Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Cold toes.....

Dear readers, I'm scared. The wedding is but six weeks and two days away. Not that the two days make much difference to my state of mind, it might as well be tomorrow for the panic that I am feeling. The panic has gripped my stomach and when I stop working for just a moment it spreads to my chest, simultaneously making me feel like my heart is racing fit to burst and that it is slowing down and stopping altogether.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not having cold toes about getting married, oh no. I can't wait to be married to The Boy, that bit I wish was tomorrow. It the wedding that is scaring me. The Wedding. The Wedding with it's capital T and capital W. Sixteen months we have spent planning, I've never planned anything for that long, not a thing. Even my plans to go to university, my application for art school, I decided those things in a space of about 5 months. Everything else, well I'm more of a Two Day Plan kind of girl.

Sixteen months is a long time. At the start of that period the wedding seemed oh so real, right there within reach. But gradually it started to slip away, all of our plans, all of those projects we started well of course they were for the wedding, but the wedding was so far away that it felt like some vague notion - 'We'll do this at the wedding' felt something like 'we'll do this when we grow up', it was going to happen but not for a long time.

Well suddenly we're grown up, and the RSVPs are coming. It's happening. It's real and in six weeks all of those decisions, plans and seating cards we made will be in use. People will see them and people will see us, getting married. And a part of me is starting to feel like it something intensely private, something that I'm not sure other people should be witnessing.

We have been almost entirely alone in the planning process, the things and decisions we have made we made with almost no help from anyone else, but in six weeks all of those someone else's will be there, watching, observing, taking in what we have done. And it scares me. The Wedding has been very much ours and it's almost time to share it with fifty other people.

The Boy reassures me that they are people we love, well most of them are. People we chose to share our wedding day with, again - most of them. That it will be wonderful, that it is what we have been working towards, what all the fun of planning and all the worries about getting it right have been for. But still I'm scared. Scared of being the centre of attention, scared of all that work I have put in being laid bare for all to see.

On the day, I know I won't care. I know I will be filled with joy and love; for The Boy and for all of those people whom we felt we couldn't get married without. People we love, people who have left their imprint on our hearts. People whose presence will mean so much to me that the very sight of them may make me cry. Joy that I will be pledging my life to the man I adore and vowing to spend the rest of it with him. Joy that we will be taking a step further down the road that we chose to walk together, that we each want to walk with the other whatever obstacles may block the way.

But that bit was never planned. That bit was inevitable, meant to be and the wedding was just surface decoration.

And now that decoration scares me. The wedding scares me. There I've admitted it. Sixteen months, a thousand wedding blogs, a million ideas and I'm scared of the thing we have been planning.

Has anyone else felt like this? Is anyone else scared of their wedding? Is it something that only happens once the wedding is so close you can almost taste it? What about those of you who have been through the wedding and come out the other side? Did the fear grip you?

Please tell me I'm not alone. Tell me you feel the fear too.....