Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The inner dialogue...

I think I'm losing my mind. A week ago I went for a dress fitting. From the moment the over-familair seamstress helped me into my dress (hello, I'm in my pants and wearing stick on boobs, I do not want help) and I looked in the mirror, something became unhinged.....

Something's not right. I'm too skinny. I look too long.

You are long. And skinny. You always have been.

I know, but I look longer. It's the dress, the long white dress. It makes me look... long.

Hmmm, you're right.

I don't like it. I think I need a veil.

You don't want to wear a veil. One of the very first things you decided when you went dress shopping was that you feel ridiculous in a veil. And they remind The Boy of scary things from horror films.

I know, but I think I should wear one. Or maybe a hat? A really wide hat. That would balance out the skinniness....

Ok, a hat then.

No, a veil. I would feel silly in a hat. And I think my shoes look dirty.

What? They're not dirty, you've never worn them.

I know that, but they look dirty. Against the dress. The dress is white and the shoes are grey and they look minging.

You're being ridiculous.

Hmmm. Maybe. So, the veil.... I really think it will make me look less long. I need to look less long. Also, it would hide my hair. My hair's not good.

You're right, your hair is bad. Let's try and order a veil when we get home.

Ok. Then I'll look less weird. Don't you think I look weird?

I'm not answering that.

The next day, after more of the same through the night....

So, a veil. I think maybe I should wear one.

Ok. But don't you remember saying your didn't want one?

No. Ok, maybe I remember. But now I think I should wear one. Or at least buy one to see if it makes me look less weird.

Fine. Silk tulle would be best. You can make one yourself.

Hell yes, I'm not paying £200 for a bit of net stuck to a comb. I can stick a bit of net to a comb myself. Where do I get silk tulle?

The Internet.

Oh yes. Ok, here we go - £25 a meter. I think I need three meters.

That's a lot of money for a veil you might not wear.

Hmmmm. It doesn't matter. I need a veil. Look, they can send it to me by tomorrow and then I can make it and see what it looks like.

You don't need a veil. You don't want a veil. You haven't wanted a veil since you tried one on and realised you felt like Miss Havisham. You can't pay £75 for a veil just to see if you like it.

I can.

Ok, you can, but just because you can doesn't mean you should.

But, but......but...... I look weird. I don't want to look weird.

It's all in your head. Ask The Boy what he thinks

"Boy" I say tentatively, in the voice that usually accompanies tales of something silly being bought on the internet or a question that is impossible to answer.

"Yes?" he asks, equally tentatively.

"I've been thinking I should wear a veil. To the wedding."

"But you don't like veils, they make you feel silly."

"I know. But..... I'm too skinny. In the dress I mean, I look too skinny. "

Silence. And a look that means I know you think that what you just said makes sense, but it doesn't.

"A veil would make me look less skinny. Or a large hat, a large hat would work."

He has a funny look on his face. I can't tell if it's pity or if he thinks I'm insane. Probably a bit of both.

"Peonies, that's silly. You are skinny, and you look beautiful in the dress. You don't need a veil."

Hmmm. Is he telling me the truth or does he just know that I was thinking of spending £75 of veil material? Or would he say anything so I don't look like a scary, horror film, veiled zombie woman? Probably, but I think he means it.

"Ok. If you think so" I say.

I'm unconvinced. But I don't really want to spend 75 quid on a veil so I'm fairly easily persuaded. If people think I look too long it will be his fault. Because I wanted to try a veil, or a big hat and he said I didn't need to. His fault, I think to myself. And that reassures me.

"So, about the shoes. Do you think they look dirty?".....

Crazy, uh?

I have had similar internal conversations about earrings, shoes, seating charts, false eyelashes, lipstick, bracelets, welcome drinks and elopement. All in the space of the last week.

I think that when you hit the 4 week mark you go crazy and doubt every single decision you have made. At least, I hope you do and it's not just me.....

I just wonder when it stops?

Comes in Ice White, Snow White, Diamond White, Soft Ivory, Dark Ivory, Blush and Champagne. Matching veil also available. Shoes can be dyed to match.

(image from Legal Juice)