Tuesday, May 15, 2012

in Wigan.




As 'moving to London' becomes less something that we talk about doing in the future and more something that looks like it might actually happen, the urgency with which I feel like I'm going to vomit right into my lap increases drastically.

Don't get me wrong, we still haven't sold our flat and we haven't started looking for houses in London, and since that one day when we announced that we were planning on moving we have done absolutely nothing to try and secure work. But it's looking more like it's something that is going to happen, and within the next year, and ohmygod I'm going to throw up. The thing is, I feel sort of paralysed. Somewhere between the life I've spent 5 years building and the life we talk and dream about for our future and somewhere there, half way between Glasgow and London (Wigan?) there's me, curled in to the foetal position pretending it's all not happening while spectres of mortgage lenders and the frankly terrifying business competition in London delightedly jab me with their fingers and whisper gleeful promises of failure in my ear.

Call it fear or pessimism or denial but I feel exactly like I did when I was 37 weeks pregnant, that nothing is ever ever going to change, I'm going have two people inside me and need to pee six times a minute FOREVER. I can picture the future with our dog and our garden and our beautiful London clients and I'm more or less present in the life we live just now (which make no mistake, is pretty amazing) but when I try to picture actually making the change? Wigan.

I'm working on leaving, no one wants to spend too long in Wigan (joking, I've never been, it might be lovely.) but I'm also trying to accept that this huge chasm of uncertainty between making a decision and actually being able to make it happen is just a fact of life and one that I need to embrace, not fight. Maybe it's not the end of the world if I'm not certain all of the time?

* IMAGE BY JENNIFER TRAN www.jennifer-tran.com

44 comments:

  1. London is huge & you guys are so good. You'll be fine. There will be so much room for such unique & talented photographers like you guys. It's going to be amazing. I'm a mite jealous, I must say.

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  2. It will be great. You are living life not just tying the same, think of the memories! Oh and ps, your business will be fine I lived in London when looking for a decent wedding photographer and everyone was booked up way way in advance. Good luck look forward to following your adventures! Laura

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    1. here's hoping we can hoover up some last minute weddings!

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  3. It's hard to let go and take that leap of faith. London will make room for you - you're so talented. What a fantastic adventure you will have!

    Remember, just breathe (seriously... breathing properly is so important when you're anxious!)

    x

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    1. God yes, I keep forgetting to breath. Thank you. x

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  4. I'm also inhabiting this netherworld of a moving decision made but not enacted; I feel for you. Uncertainty is just so disquieting. My move, back to the other/under side of the world, is not happening for another few months. While my husband is busy taking action and booking movers to take our things to a city in which we do not currently have a home, I am burying my head in the sand and cataloguing all the 'last' London moments.

    It's a time so full of promise though - hope you manage to balance those feelings! Best of luck.

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    1. Sucks, doesn't it? Good luck to you too.

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  5. Oh I can relate to that feeling in the stomach... it is difficult to deal with emotions.
    But I am sure certain that you will do great in London, your work is amazing and you are so inspiring.
    And London will welcome you.
    Just take it 1 step at a time...

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  6. As Shakespeare said, Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.

    You are so talented I am sure you will succeed. Just hold your mouth staight and you'll be fine!

    Good luck.

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    1. Um- that should have been- straight!

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  7. I know the feeling. Like things aren't happening fast enough, but simultaneously happening so fast that you can barely catch your breath.

    Moving is so stressful ! It's my least favorite thing IN THE WORLD. Hang in there.

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  8. We chose you out of all the photographers in the UK, and others have chosen you out of all the photographers in the world. Think you guys will be just fine... :)

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    1. You made me smile, thank you.

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  9. Did you write this just for me today? Let's sit with the uncertainty together. We can do it.

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    1. Absolutely. Yes we can yes we can yes we can.

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  10. Think you will all be marvello in London, but a garden? Hmmm . . . have you seen prices of flats? Houses? To buy and to rent, it's a little insane. Sorry, was not intending to pee all over the fire, but I'm in my early 30s and loads of my friends who are considering babies are freaking out about space and schools and moving away. I am considering babies but not.going.anywhere. So it's nice to hear of someone with babies moving down. It's a brilliant place to live. Have you looked at areas at all? Do you have friends you want to be near to?

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    1. Believe it or not, we have actually researched house prices AND areas AND schools, crazy huh?

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    2. (we're looking at deepest south London, to be near family.)

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  11. Oh boy. Advanced course. Living with ambiguity. Realizing that one cannot know, always, and that even when one does, things change. I hope the water rises soon and all boats float.

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  12. And even boats that don't float can be patched up, right?

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  13. I think Wigan must be entirely populated by twenty-something female bloggers. I might just stay in Wigan. I like Wigan. You don't have to make any decisions in Wigan. Also, it is the home to the World Pie-Eating Championship, so there's no way it can be that bad.

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  14. You are fantastically talented and I see you and your business referred to with love all over the good wedding blogs. I’ve been following your blog and your work for a while (always wanted to hire/meet you, but I live in the US) and while we don’t know each other I get the feeling that you and your family are strong and will be just fine. Just think about how much you’ll grow!

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  15. these things ALWAYS WORK THEMSELVES OUT. the universe is good that way. also, where is this wigan??

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  16. Life actually becomes much easier when you accept that there is no certainty. I thought my anxiety-prone being could never handle just not knowing how everything will pan out, but accepting it has somehow made me happier (most of the time, mind you. I still have uncertainty related freak outs that I have to talk myself down from, but they happen less and less). I always just remind myself that regardless of what happens, I will be somewhere, doing something, and I can always make another change if I need to.

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    1. Me too - I try to be mindful re not trying to pin everything down then freaking out when that's simply not the nature of things...but it's a work in progress

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  17. I liken changes like this to the feeling of standing at the edge of a pool. You dip your toe in, you're apprehensive, everyone's yelling at you to just jump in, and you hesitate some more. But once you jump in and let the cool water rush over you, you come up for air and realize it's warmer than you thought and it's actually quite nice =) Wishing you the best in your transition!

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  18. You wrote an amazing post a while back about taking a breather and not having a plan and it inspired me no end in times of worry. I think about that post an awful lot. It made me worry a whole lot less. We will be homeless in exactly six weeks. We are trapped between living in 2 countries. We think we need to be in London for the interim but its bloody expensive. We would also like a dog but landlords in London don't like them. Our reality is looking like one room, two people working in the arts, a dog and (hopefully) a baby. You have to be a little mad and fearless to accept you CAN have what you want but it might not look like what people expected it to. These things have a habit of fathoming themselves out. I think even you guys could make Wigan a very cool looking place to live. Please keep writing about it.

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  19. I've been rather a chicken re making the big, risky, dream making life choices for the most part (save for big leaps leapt in the last couple of years) so I'm just impressed that you and your family are DOING IT - albeit at a still unfixed moment. You can do the hard things.

    And your work is beautiful and I'm sure your business will thrive down here too.

    But also: doubts are okay too. I feel a lot like a virtue is made of certainty in and of itself. It feels strong to be certain. But that doesn't mean that to be doubtful is weakness - sometimes the doubt is how we move forward (both because of and in spite of.)
    Something about leaning into the wind.

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  20. You're amazing and if I were engaged I'd hire you to come shoot my wedding on the west coast of the United States. Because you're that amazing. You'll do wonderfully in London! But I do understand the panic of change and the dream of a future but also the spectre of that future not being what you dreamed. But I have faith in you! It will be all you dream!!!

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  21. I remember when I made the decision to move from Sydney in Australia to New York. It happened so quickly and the lead-up was so frantic that I barely had time to think let alone fear. But that morning when lined up to board the plane, I felt sick with worry. What was I doing? WHY was I doing it? I had nowhere to live, no job, no savings... I was leaving everything and everyone I knew behind and entering one of the most competitive environments on earth. It was deeply, profoundly terrifying.

    Another powerful memory is of three weeks later, walking with my friend Mish along the East River amid flowering gardens. I told her, "I'm not homesick at all. I have DISCOVERED home." I hope you feel that, too.

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  22. You guys are going to be amazing. the London market is no different, in fact there are more venues and more brides and your work is lovely - you can choose to get as involved as you want, it's up to you. Otherwise just carry on doing what you do so well. I am just pleased you'll be here in deepest South London near us :) I know it must be terrifying, my photography has suddenly overnight taken off... it's incredibly exciting and wonderful and it's all moving so so fast... and on the other hand I still have a day job that I just can't quit just yet and it feels like i'm stuck between two worlds as well. It won't always feel like this.

    You have two wonderful babies outside of you now and as far as I know you don't need to pee six times a minute any more :)

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  23. I know exactly what you're feeling. I sometimes think I'm just waiting on a platform and that dreams come true for others . But going after dreams is what makes life worth living even thoug it's terrifying. Good luck!

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  24. In answer to your last question, 100% yes. Also, welcome to my world. Wigan isn't so bad. Most of the time.

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  25. I like being in London. I will also pass your name on to my friends getting married next year.

    And I feel that way about getting married and moving house this summer. I can picture being married, I can picture (sort of) being in the new house, but the wedding day and moving in and all that jazz? Nope. I'm hoping when those days do come I will just enjoy them despite not being able to anticipate them in my usual, ridiculously prepared way.

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  26. It will work out. Promise.

    My Grandpa always says "It could be worse, you could be in Wigan".

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  27. Moving is the pits. You won't be in Wigan forever, though. xx

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  28. I lived a few miles away from Wigan for 31 years of my life... There are some nice people in the North West.

    Hope it all works out for you.
    CJ x

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  29. We relocated, on a whim, from London to Cumbria and have never looked back. But admittedly we were going the other way.
    We have also been to Wigan, on a whim. Fear not. It will pass.

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  30. Hiya,

    I'm a bit of a lurker (read: stalker) around your blog(s) but even though you've got tons of comments of support on here I spose I just wanted to reach out and chime in, and say that I think your stuff is fantastic and you've nothing to worry about with the London competition. Not a single one of those photographers is doing what you do, so all you have to do is keep being yourself. Also, I'm planning a tiny move from Dublin to Cork with a) no kids and b) no mortgage and also launching the photography thing myself and that's scary enough, and I'm looking to you for inspiration, too ;)

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play nice.