A couple of months before we left Glasgow I backtracked on a lifetime of disdain and joined the local gym. I loved it. I'm nothing if not inconsistent.
Then we moved to the Highlands and we lived in the middle of nowhere and I can't drive and there was no public transport, so no gym. I thought about exercising outdoors but I don't care what the Scandinavians say (smug bastards), there is such a thing as bad weather and I was not going to start running in this.
I meant to start some sort of at home fitness regime, I really did, but I just.... didn't. And now it's 6 months later and it turns out that the memory of exercise and how good it makes you feel isn't actually the same as exercising. Nor is imagining yourself exercising. To surmise: I feel like crap, my clothes don't really fit and I get out of breath walking to the shops. But after the unimaginable cost of moving house I can't really afford a gym membership. I know that running is free, but I really don't like the idea of exercising in front of people who aren't exercising. Not yet, not while exercising makes me spit up a lung.
That leaves DVDs. You have no idea how bad I have to be feeling to even contemplate a 'workout' DVD. My only experience of such things is being about 10 and looking up from my game of sonic the hedgehog to watch my aunt jumping around the living room in lycra and wondering why a) she was torturing herself and b) why the women on the telly were wearing a fluorescent floral leotard that exposed more of their crotches than they covered.
One look at exercise DVDs online tells me that things have moved on from Mr Motivator only in that all of the lycra clad tyrants on the boxes are now women, the lycra is all one colour and the sense of humour seems to have been removed from the whole endeavour.
So, what I'm looking for from you is recommendations. I've heard of some ballet-based one. And another that you do for a few minutes every day and makes you cry. I don't mind exercise that makes me cry but I want to cry because it hurts, not because I'm despairing at the state of humanity. What have you got? I need to stop imagining that I'm exercising and actually start doing it.
* old photo, via Tenka Gammelgaard